Hellebores

Starry night is leaking

through my window

water drops pouring into

this old cemetery

Night after night

I paint myself anew

because I want this

still life to resemble

something worth looking at

Please bring hellebores

to my grave

Someone else

love was meant to

heal us

it was meant to

break us

so our skin would crack

our bones break

and souls seek mending

from somewhere else

someone else

Dawn

Early mornings with orange light

and dust dancing in the room

like sepia filter on an old photograph

Two vintage souls

in knots

body parts resting tangled and still

Eyelashes tremble

as dreams fade into reality

and the sun reminds the world

that the night doesn't last forever

Chemicals

I bathe in serotonin

to fit your mould

Breathe in dopamine

from these tanks

I'm swimming in

I'm refusing to drown

in the silence you created

Waiting

as the clock ticks away

our sacred tomorrow

I long to be

full

Translate my thoughts

I write the same words over and over again

trying to find their right places

the perfect lines

But I don't know how to describe it all

how to convey the meaning of these verses

I'm losing my language

speaking empty sentences to deaf ears

just hoping someone knows how to

translate my thoughts

Kintsugi

When I try to pull you closer

You slip through my cracks

You wanted to mend me

Like the art of repairing what is broken

with golden seams

But the gold leaked

out of place

disappearing into the ground

You are too valuable

to spend it all on me

I just want to fly

I hear those vultures closing in

sensing my will

eager thoughts of confrontation

I just want to fly

I don't care how and where

I need the freedom

Air beneath me

Shred me or

swallow me whole

for I am the prey they need

And I want to be

The inevitable crash

I am not in control anymore

I'm losing these clouds I gathered

the clouds that are supposed to

make this wreck, this crashing plane

land softly

I plant flowers in jars and

behind my eyes,

hoping this speed that is

making my eyes tear up

would water them

make them bloom

I need all the beauty

I can get

for these flashing lights

scare me to death

I want to sit back and

let my world burn so bright

I can lit up the sky

with this flame inside my chest

my black box

Will anyone hear the s.o.s?

Should I scream louder,

fall faster?

I sprinkle these petals

like stars

flickering hope

because it's all I have left

Night sky

My sky looks the same at night

as it does during the day;

when the sun has just set

and the darkness flows

towards everything it wants to own

The comforting weight

of the dim air pushes

through our thoughts

I don't need sunrises

to paint the sky

with bruised colours

nor do I need the light

to find myself

I need this silence

the dusk brings us

It is the only thing

my mind can grasp

Heartsease

Cemeteries with wild flowers

smiling like the queens of it all

conquering man-made stones

Words written on disappearing pages

don't mean much anymore

The candles were burnt out

long before the new life started

And the memories which faded

can now reach a new light

as the blooming beauty picks up

the remains of life

Covers

I lay nude in these words

these pages

that try to cover my scars

I wrap them around me

in the hopes of you

concentrating on the art

rather than finding the real me

A paradox which can

leave us both speechless

When you see

the truth in the poetry

you can see right through me

My truths are disorted

My truths are distorted

I've come to learn

that night whispers

in inverted ways

Paints the nightmares

out of flowers and

delusions out of stars

It took the moribund time

and darkening days

to see the falsehood of it all

Now I'm grasping to

each passing second

all the familiar flickers or light

so I can find my way

through endless labyrinths

of the lies I've created for myself

Monsters

Did I bring this madness

this sad theory of everything

onto myself, by myself?

Did I create the monsters

just to have company

in the darkness?

I played with them

from such a young age

that I grew to love them

Now I can't let them go

and be alone again

not again

Unraveling

You made me smile

and that makes me want to

rip myself to pieces

I refuse to long for something

that never even existed

I am on the mercy of these flashbacks

of your heart beating against mine

They pull my heart

like they want to unravel all of it

just for the sake of never looking back

It is easier to forget than remember

Hide

Undone, unreleased

nothing holding you

but the dreams

you won't let go

Past is easier

than facing the world

that has the power

to hurt us more

Ghost in you

I fell in love with the ghost in you

the ghost of me, in you

the ghost that lightened up the nights

filled with shattered truths

I seemed to believe in the paranormal

in the ordinary thoughts and

day to day life

But in reality ghosts don't exist

Summer

She used to dislike summer. The heat and stickiness, the blazing sun and forced happiness. Even the bright nights which lasted forever and held her in the sweet bliss of relaxation, were not enough to make her love summer. She had forgotten the serenity of it during those months and years she walked alone.

She didn't like summer until his hand found hers. When the sleepless nights turned into adventures of skinny dipping in the dark and melting ice cream dripping on their fingers. How their bodies found each other in the cool air on the balcony, when it was the only place to sleep in without the heat catching them.

As autumn and winter arrived, leaving no room for the flowers to bloom and too much darkness for one mind to handle, the memories held her up. Memories of walks around the pond, picnics spent running away from bees, movie marathons on rainy days and sweet lemonade kisses. They could hold on to all the little pieces of warmth as they watched the snow slowly falling, surviving through winter together.

Every sign of spring sparks a new memory of the sun. With every melting pile of snow and every degree rising towards the sky, she could feel her happiness, her joy wake up again. Feeling the grass under her shoes after so many months of snow, she realised how much she missed summer.

She had found her favourite season in him.

What ifs

What if I'm not what you see?

What if I'm too irrational

silly, depressed

much and little?

What if I can't be enough?

And you fall

and break yourself

in the pieces

I've left behind

What if I am always the reason

you are unhappy

missing something

Because you thought you

found it all in us

but I can't play my part

Numb

I'm numb

falling through meaningless days

trying

pretending to feel

I tell I know what love feels like

I smile when I'm supposed to

I fake sadness when the rain catches us

Inside all this play

I put on every day

I stare at the sky

blankly

waiting for the moon

Panic room

I am my own panic room

locked inside

these four walls

safe and sound

or stuck in memories

Perfectly horrible mix

of both