To you my life might seem dull
To you, I'm a silly little girl
sitting in the corner of her flat
back against the wall
staring at the ceiling
figuring out if what I'm seeing
is real to you
if you have this unappealing sinking
feeling too
To you it looks like I'm lazy
or maybe just too stupid to actually
get my life together
trying to figure out whether I'm
missing a puzzle piece
or am I the missing piece
It would take me hours and hours to
tell you
why there is a knot inside of me
why there is this dark shadow around my
heart
making its way to my brain
so it can rain on it and blame me
of all the bad things around me
To you my life might seem useless
To you I'm a self-centered person in her
own world
trying to avoid eye contact and touches
trying to avoid other people and still
long for cuddles
To you it looks like I'm not capable of
simple things life throws at me
and that I'm too weak to pick up the
pieces of myself from the floor
so I can glue them back on
and be whole again to take the pain
It would take a lifetime
to find all the small crumbs of self
esteem
and happiness from the corners of this
cold flat
which makes my life complete
and completely deadbeat
To you, I'm a mess
I'm a clean mess
trying not to fuck up more than I have
to
trying to keep together all the puzzle
pieces you are stealing from me
I'm trying to give you my plea
tell you this is exactly what I need
The puzzle pieces you think are not
necessary
are vital to me
Stealing the pieces means you are
stealing parts of me
and you can't see that you just need to
let me be
I need all the non fitting pieces
to create the comforting mess
so I can be a lazy and useless in your
eyes
To you it's probably just lies
but to me they are not
It's the way to keep the knot inside of
me
so I don't have to let the dark shadow
free
The shadow that would make this all
even a bigger mess
not just for you but for me
So please
let me sit on the floor with my back
against the wall
because inside of all this mess
I can be myself
