I'm a clean mess

To you my life might seem dull

To you, I'm a silly little girl

sitting in the corner of her flat

back against the wall

staring at the ceiling

figuring out if what I'm seeing

is real to you

if you have this unappealing sinking feeling too

To you it looks like I'm lazy

or maybe just too stupid to actually get my life together

trying to figure out whether I'm missing a puzzle piece

or am I the missing piece

It would take me hours and hours to tell you

why there is a knot inside of me

why there is this dark shadow around my heart

making its way to my brain

so it can rain on it and blame me

of all the bad things around me

To you my life might seem useless

To you I'm a self-centered person in her own world

trying to avoid eye contact and touches

trying to avoid other people and still long for cuddles

To you it looks like I'm not capable of simple things life throws at me

and that I'm too weak to pick up the pieces of myself from the floor

so I can glue them back on

and be whole again to take the pain

It would take a lifetime

to find all the small crumbs of self esteem

and happiness from the corners of this cold flat

which makes my life complete

and completely deadbeat

To you, I'm a mess

I'm a clean mess

trying not to fuck up more than I have to

trying to keep together all the puzzle pieces you are stealing from me

I'm trying to give you my plea

tell you this is exactly what I need

The puzzle pieces you think are not necessary

are vital to me

Stealing the pieces means you are stealing parts of me

and you can't see that you just need to let me be

I need all the non fitting pieces

to create the comforting mess

so I can be a lazy and useless in your eyes

To you it's probably just lies

but to me they are not

It's the way to keep the knot inside of me

so I don't have to let the dark shadow free

The shadow that would make this all even a bigger mess

not just for you but for me

So please

let me sit on the floor with my back against the wall

because inside of all this mess

I can be myself